I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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