Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
