You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
