Me. At least after what I've been through.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
