you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
