last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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