Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I AM VODKA MAN
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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