i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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