I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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