Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
