HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
