I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
