The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
