i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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