Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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