great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
