Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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