I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
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i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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