he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
