everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
