I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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