Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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