pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
