you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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