I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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