yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
