I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
