I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
