I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
