my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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