then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
