:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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