He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
