She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
