Got a toothbrush?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
