White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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