No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
