I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
