i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
