I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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