How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I checked into jail on foursquare
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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