When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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