I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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