tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
