i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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