so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize