I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
