I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
