I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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