Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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