you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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