Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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