I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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