Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
