I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
