I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
