$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
